"You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." ~Mary Tyler Moore
Sometimes when we are trying to heal, we need to write. Today, I will purge what doesn't serve. I will share, only because I know my writing helps people. I have had several people reach out regarding some of the 'tough' topics I may write about and tell me how the raw disclosure reminds people that life is real, it's helped them in their own times of struggle and reinforced that we all have a process.
I disclose not for you, but for me. If you benefit from it, if it touches you, or if you hate it is not my concern. I don't really care if anyone reads it or likes it, because criticism & praise are not my intention. As Meg said to me "how other people choose to respond to your writing is not your responsibility". I hope that my words will help someone, but I write to heal myself. If my raw healing process helps someone else in the process, as a latent function, that's an added bonus.
I haven't written in my blog in a long time, years...I have been writing, just not here. When I'm ready, I may share those writings publicly...I'm just not there yet.
Let me preface this by saying that anyone who reallllly knows me will tell you I am not a whiny complainer by any stretch. I'm known to be blunt, real, honest to a fault, loving and will tell you how it is, whether you like my truth or not. Authenticity, integrity, honesty & values mean so much to me. Strength and perseverance have been grown, patience is still a work in progress (It's better than it was), and peace is the ultimate goal. As of right now, it comes in waves, which is better than it was when I was being hit with some seriously major stuff and didn't know how to handle it.
Happiness is an inside job and personal responsibility is key. Other people's choices can hurt us, but it is our job to learn the lesson in the struggle.
Being sad about addiction doesn't help the situation. Being angry about the situations surrounding the whole thing don't seem to help or offer a productive solution. Kissing it up and leaving it 100% alone so I can accept someone's free will and just go on with my life doesn't feel like the right answer, either. I've tried on all of those on for size over the past few weeks...let's be honest, years. I'm struggling with the choices of another, and it is hard. Each day I learn, grow & ideally become better, stronger & more healed than I was the day before, but it still really hurts, is really hard and I feel alone with it all because I am independent and don't burden others with my stuff, or ask for help. I just handle what needs to be handled.
It is tough walking into someones house and finding them all doped up after checking themselves out of medical detox just 12 hours earlier. It's tough watching someone being taken away in handcuffs to jail 4 hours after that, when you can't say goodbye. It's hard finding 7 used needles, 8 unused needles, dozens of empty baggies, needle caps, spoons with residue, seeing residue caked on a steering wheel, learning about 'cottons', bottle caps & water, erasing phone numbers of people who deal drugs from cell phones...all in the past 3 weeks. It's hard seeing someone go in and out of detox at least 5 times now, watching the detox symptoms, after previously seeing them punch themselves in the face on the way to detox, seeing marks on the arms, seeing them through 3 arrests in 2 different states, and now being in jail for 3 weeks with months to go is FUCKING HARD. It's hard trying to have conversations about sobriety and getting shut down at every pass. It's hard finding a used needle and empty baggies in the couch I gave away less than 3 months ago. It's hard finding needle caps, empty baggies and residue in Grammie's car that was received after she passed away just over 18 months ago. There is so much more, but that will do for now. It's hard to do with no Mom, no Dad, and no Grammie. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, given the circumstances.
I have spent almost 20 hours in the past almost 21 days taking care of business, visiting, taking phone calls and literally cleaning up messes that have nothing to do with me, so that when he gets out he doesn't see the same stuff that ultimately put him in there. I have worn gloves through this process because it's gross. I have had to make some tough phone calls, and had some intense crying fits. I've turned to wipe away my tears and turned back around to help those who need me. I've felt sad, angry, depleted, overwhelmed and lonely. I fully understand that there is nothing I can say or do to help with sobriety if the addict is not ready. I am well aware that choices & decisions need to be made, by the addict, to rise above and clean up. To get there, we must deal with the issues that got the addict to that point. It's not always physical pain they want to numb, but emotional pain...the same emotional pain that people want to just go away. It's sad, but all I can do is send love, show support and not lose hope.
The only guarantee is change...
It's hard knowing I have to shoulder this alone and that no family members have been able to step in and physically help clean up or deal with this mess, but some do try to offer verbal or written support. The family I do have is far extended, or not really around, and the rest are deceased. Seriously, I have buried more people in my life than I have left alive when it comes to close family, or people who were there for the holidays. Think about that for a minute. My family was small to begin with, but life happens and death does too.
Most of my family is dead. It just is what it is. I have buried 5 people I lived with growing up, plus more outside of my home. Because of this, I feel I have had to step into a position in my brother's life that is an ever-morphing role of parent, sister, friend and caretaker. It mostly feels like a dual role of sister & mother. My brother is 5 years younger than me. He's the only one left alive from the house I grew up in, and I want to keep it that way. I helped care for him a lot after our dad passed away, and tried my best as I got older. In our home was Cancer, Hemophilia, Hepatitis, HIV & AIDS, as well as other 'stuff'. We buried our grandfather who lived with us when I was 7, my brother was 2, our uncle who lived with us died when I was 9, my brother was 4. Our dad passed away at age 34 when I was 11, my brother was 6 and our mom passed from a heart attack at age 41 when I was 20 and my brother was 15. When my mom died, my brother was still in school and I was battling depression, suicidal tendencies, anxiety and many reckless behaviors from unsettled things regarding my dad's passing and finding out 2 years later that I was 1/2 adopted and he was not my biological father. I was trying to survive by doing things that would put me in an early grave. Ironic and stupid, I know...but life was HARD and I didn't know how to make the pain go away. I wasn't able to be there for my brother when I was younger and he was still a minor, because I was a hot mess and trying to figure out how to take care of myself with very little support, at 20 years old. I wasn't prepared to take over the role as Guardian of a 15 year old when I was 20, but I did help with the Guardian-ad-Litem process, helped the best I could, advocated for him the best I knew how, and had him over for lunch, dinner, some overnights & went fishing as much as my schedule allowed while I was working 40-55 hour work weeks. I would talk to him, and try to make sure he was ok. I couldn't stay in the house we grew up in, partly because of the magnitude of blood, loss and grieving I had experienced there, and in part because of my terrible relationship with my asshole step-father who was shadier than the dark side of the moon. I had to go.
Shed, release & renew
I'm in the process of purging all the details of the above situations into writing, but right now my focus is dealing with this stuff. I've been writing my story, piece by piece...but life happens while I am writing about life. I have done so much healing and learned so much from the 'hard stuff' that life has so generously shared. Some of the best life lessons are learned in the hardest moments, and when we can look back with a memory, instead of active emotion, that is how we know we have healed from any given situation. When we can be raw about our past without it destabilizing us, we're probably learned the lesson and gained wisdom. It's the things we can't talk about or deal with that still need some TLC and are a healing work in progress.
I'm known to be a positive person, but I am also known to be a 'real' person who calls it how it is. This whole thing sucks. You know what sucks even more? People who judge how I am handling it, the choices I am making, the people who think I should just leave it alone, and those who have a limited understanding of struggle & loss judging the shit out of how I am handling things they have never had to deal with.Then there's the school of thought that I shouldn't talk about ANY of the tough stuff, because if it didn't happen today, it happened yesterday and you can't take yesterdays stuff into today. Yesterday needs to stay yesterday, even if it spills over into today...or rocked you to your core. Get over it. BULLSHIT. People have complained for more than one day about a hangnail, sunburn or a blister, but some serious ish comes up and it's 'get over it'? Seriously? Have a heart. Everyone is doing the best with what they have, but when someone starts with that stuff, it drives me up a wall. We cannot separate the physical being from the emotional and spiritual. Trauma can happen at any level and we need to heal from there. Healing takes time, and is always different given the circumstances.
Let's face it, life is not all peace, trees & sunshine. There's struggle, death, pain, hurt & sadness in there as well. My life has had an incredible amount of struggle, but I am no victim. There have been *at least* 6 occasions where people have actually said to me "with all you've been through, how do you not have a needle hanging out of your arm?" and recently, my wife had a co-worker say the same thing to her about me and my life story. She came home and said "I've heard you tell me how people have said that to you, but now I heard it for myself. It's a real thing. People seriously ask how you don't have a needle hanging out of your arm." Mental resilience. Strength. Perseverance. Determination. Facing issues head on and not giving in when times get tough. A connection with my soul. That's how I don't have a needle hanging out of my arm. It's understanding that no pill or substance is going to make my tough stuff go away. It's understanding that burying my head in the sand isn't going to make it go away or get better. I need to pull out the shards of glass and heal what it left behind.
I have been to jail (to visit, not to stay) more in the past 3 weeks than I have ever been before. It's so weird! I hate it. It's awful. It's video chats with a screen and a handset, not even face to face visits, or visits through glass. I like being able to visit and receive calls, but the 1 minute lead in to the phone call sucks...and if I miss a call, I can't call back. The video is laden with technical glitches that cause the already limited time to be decreased.
This past weekend, I put all that stuff aside and felt "selfish". I did only for myself. I didn't worry about cleaning up messes, or tending to stuff that has nothing to do with me. It was good! I also felt guilty. I felt like I *should* be doing for others. I spend so much energy helping and doing for others, that I struggle with shutting that down to do self-care. I know that unless I take care of myself, I am of no service to others.
"People will never truly understand something until it actually happens to them." ~Unknown
Through this process, I've also realized that other people can be selfish, judgmental and quick to point fingers...That's another slap in the face. People will always have judgments, I'm over that part of it. That relates to being human and having ego...and I understand that people will try to say things to help make a situation better. I'm not talking about that, either.
"Don't criticize what you can't understand." ~Bob Dylan
I'm talking about those people who have never walked a path, but are quick to scoff and judge how I'm doing it wrong. It's not just this situation, I've seen it too many times...after my dad died, finding out I was 1/2 adopted, after my mom died, how I handled things with my brother after my mom passed, leaving an abusive relationship and all the healing that needed to occur after being raped while 9 months pregnant, being diagnosed with a neurological disease with "no cure", and now this. ...Someone who has never walked a path is quick to judge how I should do it differently, how I'm not doing it right...how I'm "weak" or "being negative" or should "just let it go"...Seriously? Here's the issue I have with that...
"Everything is relative to our life's experience."
We can try to understand, but unless we've walked down a certain road, we can't truly "get it". We can try, but will sometimes fall short of fully grasping how something affects someone beyond the tip of our own nose. We all handle things differently, and sometimes people are going through things that they keep under wraps. You know what doesn't work? Lack of compassion, egoistically thinking you have it all figured out, and scoffing at someone when they share their pain. It doesn't mean we should pity people, but if someone has a moment of 'being human'...let them! Chances are they will learn the lesson, heal and keep moving forward, but if they are struggling AND taking personal responsibility for their role to make a change, the worst thing you can do is kick them when they are down. Where's the love, humanity & understanding? That "holier than thou" attitude will drop you on your ass, each and every time. Next time you go to point a finger at someone else, when you don't know all the details or the experience they have that led them to where they are, why don't you look at the 3 fingers that point back at you and give that extra (otherwise futile) energy into bettering yourself? It's easier to look outward and judge how someone should do something in their life, when you aren't handling what needs to be addressed in your own life.
NOBODY IS PERFECT
Sometimes all someone needs is presence, love, laughter in tough times, understanding, compassion, and the occasional helping hand. I do not want pity, I don't need judgment, and certainly don't need people who have no fucking clue scoffing or rolling their eyes behind my back, or telling me how I "should" handle things they don't understand. I'm not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I am a fiercely strong, independent woman who has NEVER given up, but I have had times where life hits hard. I may sit to compose myself, but I will inevitably get up again, and again, and again. I have already done it over and over again. If you catch me on a day where I am dealing with my 'ish, and handling life's intense moments, and dealing with things that come up that I am still healing from..LET ME BE HUMAN. I have no parents to talk to, or lean on. I have very little family. It's been that way for almost 14 years now.
Strength is grown through struggles, challenges & adversity
I'm a mother fucking warrior, and sometimes I need to change the dressing on my battle wounds. Cut me some slack. I'm trying. I OWN my ish. I don't bury it down, pretend it doesn't exist, or act like I am without flaws. Some stuff is easier to talk about than others. All I ask for is a little patience, an attempt at understanding, and realizing that I've been through more than I freely share. Many of us have, and we all have intense things we've had to deal with. I'm not minimizing the struggle of anyone else. If you've learned anything about me you didn't know before today, that should speak to my level of determination, strength, and perseverance to succeed and efforts to grow from old experiences. Victims are caught up in what they've been through, survivors do something about it. Warriors allow their scars be seen and never give up. We are all a work in progress.
Attitude of GRATITUDE
I will always be ok. Sometimes, I may need a minute to pick myself up, brush myself off, pick up the pieces and move forward...but I will always be ok. You know what you won't see me doing? Playing a victim of life's circumstances, sitting in woe-is-me (sharing truths is different than feeling sorry for yourself), feeling that anyone owes me anything, or drowning in or avoiding my issues. I shift into gratitude, show appreciation for what I have, and try to make life better every single day while being a role model for those little eyes who look up to me. I've also had some people reach out to offer love and encouragement. That has been incredibly helpful. I have SO much to be grateful for, and I never lose sight of that.
Can you hold my crown? I'm about to turn some shit into gold.
If you catch me on an 'off' day, week or month, chances are I'm dealing with some incredibly heavy stuff, doing my best to balance life while not going down a detrimental road, all with my head held high, a smile on my face, and probably while wearing a dress. I probably don't need a helping hand, nor do I want to talk about it, but I will ask for you to chill out with your judgment and watch as I do something amazing. I'll be back to myself in no time, with new lessons, wisdom and healing in place. Sometimes we have to be ok with dipping into the sludge, not being afraid of a little hard work, embrace sudden change, face our fears and grow in ways we never wanted to. That's when the unshakable, formidable strength comes to the indomitable spirit. It comes from within, and is carefully cultivated by understanding cycles, natural laws, free will choices and a little alchemy.
