biological family tree

Sometimes I wonder about my biological father and his family. I know we are always where we are meant to be. From what I understand from a few people, my biological father never wanted anything to do with me. I wasn't exactly 'planned'.

He knows about me. His family does too. I wonder if they think about me. I wonder if they wonder about me. I wonder if it bothers him that I am 'floating around' out there. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if he had any other kids. I wonder if he's looked for me.

I've looked for him. I have an idea of where he is, but alas...who am I to go and interfere with someone's life. I would be a 'bomb drop' for anyone married with kids...especially if the topic never came up.

I was told after my mom died some details about my birth father. What a messed up, twisted situation! I look back at all of it, and it is a jumbly mess. My original birth certificate was changed. The original certificate had Dad listed as _____________________. Yup, just a blank space.

I had my dad. He raised me. He never wanted me to know I wasn't 'his'. He loved me. I am grateful for that.

With the branches of my family tree rather skimpy and most of the leaves gone - remembered in memory, I wonder what it would be like if I knew him.

I searched and searched for years. Once I started to make some headway, I had a challenging conversation with who I believe to be his mom. I received one call from the same area shortly thereafter, but nothing since. When I called the man back, he 'didn't remember why' he called. *sigh*

It kind of bothers me that he wrote me off, didn't want anything to do with me, and made my mom feel bad. I'm not mad, just a little sad sometimes. I turned out to be a good person. I have kids, that means he has grand-kids.I wonder if any of that matters. I may never know and I am ok with that.

Maybe it's just not meant to be. My life does feel complete without knowing him, but as a person, I am curious about my ethnicity, and who I look like.

Things that I ponder.