biological family tree

Sometimes I wonder about my biological father and his family. I know we are always where we are meant to be. From what I understand from a few people, my biological father never wanted anything to do with me. I wasn't exactly 'planned'.

He knows about me. His family does too. I wonder if they think about me. I wonder if they wonder about me. I wonder if it bothers him that I am 'floating around' out there. I wonder if he cares. I wonder if he had any other kids. I wonder if he's looked for me.

I've looked for him. I have an idea of where he is, but alas...who am I to go and interfere with someone's life. I would be a 'bomb drop' for anyone married with kids...especially if the topic never came up.

I was told after my mom died some details about my birth father. What a messed up, twisted situation! I look back at all of it, and it is a jumbly mess. My original birth certificate was changed. The original certificate had Dad listed as _____________________. Yup, just a blank space.

I had my dad. He raised me. He never wanted me to know I wasn't 'his'. He loved me. I am grateful for that.

With the branches of my family tree rather skimpy and most of the leaves gone - remembered in memory, I wonder what it would be like if I knew him.

I searched and searched for years. Once I started to make some headway, I had a challenging conversation with who I believe to be his mom. I received one call from the same area shortly thereafter, but nothing since. When I called the man back, he 'didn't remember why' he called. *sigh*

It kind of bothers me that he wrote me off, didn't want anything to do with me, and made my mom feel bad. I'm not mad, just a little sad sometimes. I turned out to be a good person. I have kids, that means he has grand-kids.I wonder if any of that matters. I may never know and I am ok with that.

Maybe it's just not meant to be. My life does feel complete without knowing him, but as a person, I am curious about my ethnicity, and who I look like.

Things that I ponder.

Empty seats and my fill of gratitude

This holiday season is tough. I just stopped and it all hit me. It hit me that each holiday year that passed, there was another empty seat at the table. Not every year, but gradually every couple of years, we 'lost' someone. I buried 4 people I lived with in less than 15 years.

Each year passed and someone passed away, moved away or just stopped coming.

When I was young, there were a lot of people around. I have a relatively small family to begin with, but we were full with family and holiday cheer on both sides. The only thing guaranteed is that everything changes. We have to flow with ripple of life. Everything is what we make of it.

This year is tough because of people's choices. Drugs rip families apart. This year, I am grateful that *I* didn't become the heroin addict people thought I would. "With all you've been given in your life, I am surprised you aren't addicted to heroin"...I can't tell you how many variations of that I have heard.  It never gets easier to hear. I am also grateful I never went *there*.

This year is tough because of losses. It's tough when the matriarch of the family and the 'keeper of the holidays' passes away. Everyone is left with the change. Some deal better than others.

I think I was expected to pick up the holidays when my mom passed. I was 20, that was challenging for me. I tried for a couple years to keep people together, but they fell apart. I was told that one of my family members can't be around me, because I remind them too much of my mother, and it's hard for them to deal with, because she's passed. ouch.

The only thing I can do is be grateful for what I have and where I am going with the family and life I have created. I am grateful for the family that is still around. We can't change what happened, but we can learn and grow from it. It also helps us show gratitude for what we currently have.

Today I am grateful for my family, friends, friends that became family, those who love me, surround me and support me. Today, I show gratitude for those who came before us, and for the memories they leave behind.

Something's brewing...

I can't help but feel like something is brewing for me, as in the pot is starting to bubble. not quite a boil, but the heat is there, permeating every molecule with transformative power.

In the past month, I have been on BlogTalk Radio twice, and was just approached for another opportunity, out of Oregon. This is the 4th time I have been asked to be on the radio since May 2012. The mini-snippet from the Bid & Destroy show came out. I am very grateful for the opportunity, but I wish they showed more! Good stuff, man! I just got a DVD copy of the show from Leftfield in the mail the other day.

In general, things are going well. I have done about 200% of business that I did in my first year. That's awesome to me. Analytics are up, demands are increasing, bookings are getting scheduled out further. I am booking into Feb/March 2013! It's kind of cool booking 3 months+ in advance.

I feel media will continue to pop. I have been told by others they feel it as well. When/where/who/what/how has yet to be determined. All is meant to be and everything happens for a reason.

Life is moving in the right direction. I got some really nice messages from clients last week. A few that made me tear up, not gonna lie. They really hit to the core of me. I'll post them under my reviews when I get some 'free' time. Tonight, I wanted to write.

Life is interesting. It is turbulent and peaceful at the same time. There truly is harmony in the duality. I am curious to see what these next few months bring. There have been very interesting natural disasters (YES! Venice is flooded, and NO, I don't mean the normal Venice under water thing). 50,000 starfish also washed up. That stuff is sad. They can regenerate, but not resuscitate. I digress.

I am so grateful for all of life's blessings. I have overcome so much. People keep saying I should write a book (or two), I just have yet to have that fire lit. Life's been busy handing me other things right now. When the time comes, I am sure I will be ready for it. For now? Enjoy the present moment, and continue on my path. I have already helped over a thousand people in less than two years, with more being inspired by my words. I can't wait to see where that goes.

I do want to do more investigations where I get into cool properties. Hammond Castle in Gloucester has some cool stuff, but I haven't been since I was there for a haunted house as a kid. I remember being spooked, because there WERE ghosts there and NOT part of the haunted house. Scared the crap out of me. I ran. Now, I wanna go play! My, my, my, how the tables have turned. That would make for a good TV show, don't ya think? Anyone who has seen me in action knows it can get a little...intense. I can't wait to go play in more cool places! It's coming! I feel it!

Each day, I practice my continuous stream of gratitude. It starts before my feet hit the floor in the morning and doesn't end when I lay at night. I am very grateful. Burying everyone so young and overcoming such crazy shit will do that. I am grateful I am no longer in that dark place. I am now able to be a beacon to others. To be told that someone pondered suicide before their reading, and found hope? priceless.

I will keep continuing on my path. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!

I am curious to see what the rest of the last quarter 2012 brings. Some endings, and some new beginnings, of nothing I have been more sure.

OOP! She did it again. Corinne is on the Radio talking about creation and manifestation

Listen to Corinne talk about manifestation on Other Side of Life Radio! 
http://corinnestar.com/corinnemanifestation.mp3
www.corinnestar.com

Other Side of Life Radio

Here I am on the radio again!

I was given a great opportunity to do a radio show/readings on BlogTalk Radio.

Listen in! http://goddesscorinne.com/corinneothersideoflife.mp3

Watch me do a paranormal investigation on National Geographic TV

Check it! http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/bid-and-destroy/videos/paranormal-activity-in-this-old-house/
This airs next week!
National Geographic Channel's show Bid & Destroy on 10/24 at 9:30pm and 11:30pm, then Friday 10/26 at 9pm and 11PM. It re-airs again a few times the following week Wednesday 10/31 at 10:30pm and 11/2 at 8:30pm.
Please 'like' the video when you are done watching it!

Day in Salem, MA - Creep style. EVPs and videos!

So we roamed around Salem, MA today. We scared (accidentally) some people out of the old burial ground near downtown. They realized what we were doing (mediumship with validation on a K2) and that certain graves in particular that we were drawn to were on the sign, including an epitaph we Leah had JUST read out loud a few minutes prior. They beelined out of the cemetery and were just looking back at us. It was really funny (for us - not them).

We then made our way back towards Essex St. We got some activity along the way... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJQbWnPtAzQ&feature=plcp

Then Leah made connection with a man in the mall... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpHXnleYXcY&feature=plcp 

 Leah and I then went to Mack Park in Salem, MA. I have never researched the place, but have been drawn to the energy there, so we went with our creep skills, cell phones and K2 Meter. First, I thought I heard two men talking, so I quickly started to voice record...I was surprised when it played back with snorts of sorts. http://www.goddesscorinne.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/snort.wav 

We got in the car and both thought we heard a woman's voice. I began recording. Listen closely (headphones) at 10 seconds, 15 seconds and 19 seconds. There seems to be a response or two. http://www.goddesscorinne.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/2.wav It sounds like she says "Esther" when I ask her name. I thought that was odd and wondered if there was an Esther associated with Mack Park...

By golly, would you look at that?! http://masscases.com/cases/sjc/344/344mass626.html Esther was the name of an owner of Mack Park?!?! oh...ok then. Just checking. Welcome to my life.

I want to play around with the audio to see if I can amplify her voice. Any EVP specialists are welcome to have at it! I just want to hear what you come up with! This is just a day in the life...

Turning a New Leaf & Four-Leaf Clovers

When I sit and free write, it is usually with purpose, and with intent. Tonight, I just flowed. Here’s what came out:

I choose to be free of lower vibration and allow new energy to flow through me. I choose to be free of those who will drag me down. I choose to be free of those with envy, spite, resentment, quick to anger and jealousy. I choose different. I am peace. I am love. I am grace. I am abundance. I am eternity, always have been. Energy cannot be destroyed, but can change form.

We cannot change people, but we NEED to see that people are coming from a place of hurt, and no one WANTS to be ‘that guy’, they just got into a place of darkness and cannot find return. People need love, even when they do not deserve it, if not especially when they do not deserve it, as they are most certainly the ones who need the love most. Those who love themselves don’t always need to have the love bestowed upon them, because their well is always full and being replenished. Their well is empty and they thirst. Feed them, not to spite them, but to genuinely understand that we all vibrate together here, a mass. By spreading the love and showing humanity when another may turn a blind eye, that is showing love oneself and in turn giving an offering of love to another. Not because we have anything to gain or lose, but because it is the right and humane thing to do.

Begin to terminate the old limitations that were placed upon you. I remember being told that I would never be anything if I didn’t go to college. I remember being told that I would always be ugly. I remember being told I would never achieve anything noteworthy. Those are limitations that are placed upon us. We can CHOOSE to take in the poison they spit, or we can CHOOSE to make a change. We can CHOOSE a new reality. We can CHOOSE a different outcome. It is not always easy. Not because it is ‘hard’ work, but because it does take personal accountability and responsibility, as well as determination, perseverance, and a desire to *truly* be the best person you can be. Some are coming from a place of such deep hurt or angst that they lose sight of their potential, spirit. What would you say if you heard that a mom and daughter team collected 32 four-leaf clovers at random? The mom collected 14 over the course of 10 years, 5 of which in 3 weeks, sometimes two at a time! The daughter?! She found 18 in less than two months, in three different states! Sounds incredible, right? Is one to assume it is a ‘coincidence’, or is it something more?

Of course, that just needs to have some sort of logical explanation. We can say that, potentially, the radiation from Japan has made its way into our rainwater and causing genetic mutations, or that the nuclear reactor 25 miles away caused it (even though the clovers have been found in 9-10 different locations). There *has* to be a logical explanation, right?

How about if 9 of them were found before Fukishima, and in multiple locations? Specifically, 11 of them have been found in the cemetery where the mother’s mom was buried, over the course of 9 years in different visits? How about if the daughter finds four-leaf clovers from school on Friday, from a different town on Saturday, and on Sunday two states away?

Maybe there *is* a logical explanation. Intention. What if the intention was ‘unintentionally’ set to find them? What if it came about because of modern day alchemy? "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." ~Albert Einstein I can say I believe it, because I have seen it. I have DONE it. I have found multiple clovers and taught my daughter how to do it. I taught her. We also won a stuffed animal on the first try from the claw machine, the EXACT one she wanted…how? Intention. Belief. Energy. I taught her. I teach people. I am still learning. I had even created a vision board with a four-leaf clover on it a few years ago and recently joked that maybe I should take that out of the collage, haha.

I believe we can always continue to learn and grow. I believe we can CHOOSE to see beyond the veil of ANYTHING you may have been taught about rational, analytical, logical, and possible. Then release the need to know who, what, when, where, why, how. Etc. Decide on what you want. Focus on it…and make sure thought and emotion are in alignment with desired outcome. If you catch yourself having thoughts of doubt, release them and think again about your desired outcome. We can create, when we match the frequency, inside and out. If inside, we are worried, or bogged down with analytics, stress, etc. it is not the frequency of the desired outcome. Take a look at your life. Are you ‘happy’? Define ‘happy’ for you. Yes, we do things so we ‘can’ be happy, but ARE you HAPPY? From the inside. When you are alone. In the car, in the shower, laying in bed, walking, working…what do you ‘catch’ or find yourself thinking about? In your life, what do you do? Do you enjoy it? Do you ‘do what you love and love what you do’? What are your priorities? Where’s your energy invested in comparison to what’s important to you?

We need to make sure our thoughts, feelings, words and actions are in alignment with what we want our end goal to be. We need to honor and listen to the intuition within us; our soul’s voice. Our connection with the divine; God. We need to operate in accordance with the still voice within suggesting we do the right thing. However uncomfortable it feels, we must persevere, because we know we should. It feels good in the end. In the same way people work out to get/stay in shape and feel good after, even though they may not have ‘wanted’ to do it that day…they knew it was in their best interest, and their desire for self-care superseded the desire to sit on the couch. If it is hard to face ego, and go with the still voice inside, that generally indicates a degree of struggle with ego. When we feel attacked, reject, immediately react and resent, judging, need to be right, ever seeking, needs that need to be filled, but they just aren’t being filled, feelings of longing, loss, lack, loneliness, despair, depression, confusion, anger, jealousy, rage, contempt, spite, guilt, sadness, etc. etc. etc. etc. Alllllllllll of those are sludge and ego; futility at its finest when it comes to personal growth, happiness and inner peace.

Regardless of how we see and interpret our present moment, we can make a CHOICE. We can CHOOSE to continue to feel about it as we may, or we can shift and transform and make something useful of a tough situation. When we shift, we place a future order.

We can choose to ‘place an order’ for something different…and consider, for once, for one moment…that it is not in the physical world that we need to exert our effort. I am not talking about just “thinking” about it…I’m talking about understanding how ethereal energy works. I am talking about being able to manifest things using energy. We all do it. Some just don’t realize it.

When we abandon ration, logic and reason for a moment (don’t worry, we’ll piece it back in, just for a minute…let it go) , we can understand that we bring things to ourselves based on our thoughts and specifically, our emotions toward them. When we feel terrible, when life sucks and we are unhappy, miserable and just in a funk beyond belief…I want you to FEEL happy. Why? Because when we FEEL happy and show gratitude for what we DO have, things can change. When we slip back in, SHIFT into FEELING happy. When we do this, we are a magnet attracting the things we want. When you feel inside happy about the things you want and feel you have it now, you have it. It will feel like a stretch and ‘hard’ (a relative term) at first. We remain steadfast, understand the ‘relative’ of whatever we are feeling and CHOOSE to put out a different frequency and change out reality.

I taught my daughter this…She does it with ease. I have done it for the birth order and looks of my children, 3 places I have lived, 2 of my businesses, 14 4-leaf clovers, lucky opportunities for TV and radio interviews, I have ‘odd’ coincidences and ‘lucky’ things happen to me all the time. I am given things for free at random. I show gratitude. I show love to myself and others.

How does this relate to hard, concrete, science? How does the logic and rationale apply to my spiritual lofty-dreamer reality. Simple. Physics. Science. Like attracts like. Magnets. We are magnets. We possess measurable magnetic energy fields. We are energy. Everything is energy. Energy cannot be created nor destroyed. It may only change in, through and out of form. It always has been, always is, and always will be. That’s fact. Science. If we are energy, and we are magnets…and because of the way scientific concepts work, why is it so far fetched to think that we can attract things to us based on what we think, attracting? If magnets attract to it, but ‘opposites’ attract, do you think that means that you can be out of alignment inside your own life with regard to what you want and how you feel about it. What kind are you trying to attract by feeling bad?! MORE BAD! You can’t bring good things by feeling bad, thinking poorly, or not acting in accordance with your inner voice.

We need to figure out what we want, usually we know (pssssst, it’s usually the OPPOSITE of all the crap you give worry and fear about) what we want, if not, figure it out. Make a list, order like a menu from a restaurant. Kiss it up, and make sure you think, feel and act in alignment. Miracles and magic happens. It is a validation. It is not a ‘coincidence’, it is not ‘luck’, it is psychics. It is science. It is abandoning your apprehension to my words. If you read this and think it’s crap, that’s fine. You are certainly entitled to your opinion and certainly have free will to do so. How do you feel inside? Do you feel the need for something to fill that void within you? Do you ache and yearn, and hate? If so…See paragraph 11… ;-)

Heart is where its at. The hurt that prevents happiness stems from life. Shit happens. We all have ‘stuff’. Some more intense than others. Either way, it is no excuse to stand in the way of your happiness, unless you CHOOSE to let it. Sure karmic ties and other energy attachments need to be released, but imagine what it would feel like to stop and sit in peace. To be truly happy within yourself, mind stilled, no racing thoughts or fears, anxieties, worries, sadness, longing. Regardless of current situation, this applies. We need to ‘fake’ it for it to work…and it does. I have so many examples (I should write a book…and I think I just now set a second part of an existing intention). We need to find/hold our hope and our faith with an open heart. Clearing out the refrigerator of life and clear our hearts of old things that have served their purpose, get back to priorities and make strides towards our goals. We make CHOICES. When we say “should” it is a feeling of obligation, of need, out of alignment with what you WANT.

When you decide what you WANT, and operate in accordance therewith, you can more easily bring love, happiness, connection, happiness, contentment, etc.

It is only impossible if you believe it is.

I believe in magic and miracles. I believe in right action. I believe we ALL get signs. If you don’t like the signs you’re getting…tick tock tick tock…We all can make CHOICES based on FREE WILL. Make the good ones while you can. Procrastination is pointless, futile and not the means to an end.

Start right now. I believe we can all do it. I know I have and I have watched countless people in my life make the changes they sought using some of my teachings. I am happy to help and I do it with an open heart. I have been through enough and have experienced such a wide variety of life lessons and emotions and situations that I am happy to feel all the work I have done to overcome my ‘dark places’ can be utilized into something positive and spread as a light upon others.

If I left you questioning one thing for the better, or if you heard your own intuitive messages of love, acceptance, surrender , reassurance, happiness and faith or even if you scoff and disregard while judging me…I am at peace. We make choices and I am at peace with mine. I’ll be here, waiting for some of my dreams to come true, working hard to get there…while I wait, I’ll keep my eye out for 4-leaf clover #15.

(and no, it’s no ‘coincidence’ you’re reading this right now.)

I’m here to help, heal and teach.
Namaste.

On the radio!

I had a great opportunity to be on a local community radio station. Here is the link to the file: http://goddesscorinne.com/corinneparanormalzone.mp3 (The file could stand to be clipped a bit on either side as the radio starts a few minutes in, but here it is!)

Journeying

Tonight I went to the Church of Spiritual Life unfoldment class. We did some drumming and journeying.

In my meditation and journeying experience, I began by sitting in a field with yellow green straw-grass. There was a babbling brook and mountains off in the distance. As I got up and began my journey, I walked into a cave. In this cave I remember seeing cave drawings on the wall. I remember the cave was lit but there was no fire that i could see. When I was in The cave, I remember feeling a Native American presence off in the distance in the back of the cave, behind the light. This was meant to be a solo journey. When I was in the cave, on the floor, I began focusing on breathing and meditating, healing and doing some sort of shamanic work. When I was in my journeying experience, I remember seeing a bright yellow sunlight type energy light come into my solar plexus. The sunlight energy began to heal my brain and my spinal cord and I remember the protective presence of the Native American behind me off in the distance. As I emerged from the journey experience when I was called back to the safe place, I remember getting up and walking back into the field where I initially began. I felt light and airy and like I just gone on some type of trip and healing experience.

We have been gone on the journeying experience for 45 minutes when I came back and we began to share our experiences. Patty Gosselin behind me begin to say how she saw a Native American standing in front of me, a red man with beads and a head piece for five minutes or so.

I hadn't had the opportunity to share my experience yet, so needless to say, this caught me off guard, although it made me smile because it was a validator for me that my experience was real.

As we continued on to group circle, my vision came back, but it was natives around me with feathers, drums, bells and chants, there was fire, it was positive an ceremonial of sorts. I couldn't focus on getting a message for another because I was focused on the activity going on in front of me. I feel well, and will continue to tap those energies present around me.

I am very grateful for the experience tonight, and am interested in continuing my journeys. I wish for each and every person to find a path they enjoy and walk or dance happily.

I always treasure Native and Shamanic type experiences.



Namaste.

A-ha moments!

By golly, I think I've got it. One of the most frustrating things for me is when someone HEARS their quiet inner voice and stand with their potential, but CHOOSES to not listen. When I *know* someone heard a message contrary to their actions, or doesn't tell certain truths, it really infuriates me. Maybe it's something I should work on. I understand free will, but why use it to deceive and lie?
We all have free will to do whatever we want. We cannot judge another on their CHOICES. How does that work, though, when some of a person's choices are not in alignment with what their inner voice communicated?
When someone doesn't listen to their soul, for their own personal gain, it doesn't do anything beneficial. That goes hand in hand with the next part. Judgment. People will say and/or feel as if you judged them if you say something outside of their personal feelings. When a 'judgment' is complimentary in nature, one does not feel as if they have been judged? Ever notice that? "You look nice today", "I love your new _______", "you are a girl with blue eyes and brown hair", are ALL 'judgments' by definition... Judgment: "The act of judging; the operation of the mind, involving comparison and discrimination, by which a knowledge of the values and relations of thins, whether of moral qualities, intellectual concepts, logical propositions, or material facts, is obtained." When someone tells us they like/agree/or otherwise 'stroke' us, we are not quick to call *JUDGMENT*, but when others do not share the same belief/disagree/oppose or otherwise threaten our ego, we call JUDGMENT! and point the finger at another for 'judging' us. It can be argued that if someone does not know analytically, with substantiated FACT, it cannot be a truth and therefore a judgment. Judgments, in a court of law are made beyond a reasonable doubt. Innocent until proven guilty. Emotionally and spiritually, when we are 'judged' and feel it to be out of alignment, we pull the judgment card. Instead of seeing where the other is coming from, we get defensive over the accusation. When I get introspective like this, I seek out old Philosopher's to gain their take on the topics I am contemplating. “A judgment is said to be true when it conforms to the external reality” ~Thomas Aquinas We all walk our own path, and if one does not walk in those shoes, they cannot 'judge' our path. What happens when ones own inner voice speaks up and alerts you to something you are doing that is not in the best interest, for all? Do we abandon that inner voice and continue to act in a manner that is self-fulfilling, or do we understand 'the bigger picture' and honor our inner voice, conscience, intuition? Which way brings the most long-term happiness? Do we abandon the hope for a long term happiness by violating our inner guide in the present moment? If you have ever not faced a problem, justified yours or someone else's actions, lied to yourself, or 'talked yourself into' being 'ok' with what you are doing, or otherwise deceived yourself or others and not stayed true to the words you speak...How does that make you feel, and how did that work for you in the long run? When you do not honor your own inner voice, and someone is hurt because of it, is it still 'justified'? When you don't listen to your own inner voice, and someone says something IN alignment with YOUR inner voice, is that a judgment? When someone says something to you that IS true, WITH the ability to substantiate, is THAT considered a judgment? People are quick to call JUDGMENT when their own choices seem threatened. Remember, if it is flattery, it is not considered a judgment, only when you feel it is out of alignment with YOUR truth do you pull the judgment card. "A man's conscience and his judgment is the same thing; and as the judgment, so also the conscience, may be erroneous." ~Thomas Hobbes

I'm 30.

It's official. I am 30. A new decade, a new generation added below me.

For my birthday, I am getting an aquamarine stone my mom bought for me when I was a baby. I am going to put it into a setting.

I am here and have been through a lot. I always wondered if I would live to see 30. Sounds morbid, but when everyone around you is dying, it doesn't give you much faith in life. Here I am, two kids, a wife (who saw that one coming? Not me!) and am happy. I am happy, healthy and loved.

I am happy with Meg. We have a blast together and 'get' each other. Doesn't have to be explained. Spend 5 minutes with us.

I love my kids. Both equally, for shared and varying reasons. They rock and are so sweet and smart. Being a mom is the best. Watching them grow was the fun part, but now that they are big, I can't help but reminisce about when they were babies. I simply cherish every moment.

I wanted to fill a desire to help people and am part of V-Day Lawrence and have helped raise money on a relatively small scale. I want to go bigger.

I feel I am 'on track' with school and business. I've never been one who likes working for other people. I've worked for others in my years, I've had 8 'jobs' that I can remember. I started working one month after I turned 15. I started my own business when I was 23. I started with the readings formally when I was 28. I know that there is a 'next', but I am not sure what that is yet.

I seem to get a lot of anxiety at night, and it's because I am waiting for my 'next' and am anticipating it with joy. My insides are happy and jumping for joy, wanting to burst at the seams, but it feels like the excitement is causing anxiety, which is a shitty feeling. It's hard to explain.

I have yet to delve into why I am getting anxiety at night. I don't like to feed that vibration.

I feel there's this soul inside me that just 'knows', but doesn't share all the secrets. I have to hunt and do the work to uncover layer after layer through consciousness.

I'm ready for my 'next step'. I feel it is with business. We'll see where that takes me. I am eager and grateful, with an open heart. Ready to receive. Ready to give. I understand reciprocity, balance and change. I learned what I could from challenging situations and continue to grow.

I have strived to live in accordance with my inner voice, struggling in my human sack of skin at times, but growing with each righted wrong. I am
mindful to live in the 'light', in the moment and hold beneficial relationships.

We may never outright know our destiny, where would be the fun in that? We balance the negative with the positive and keep our eye on the prize, moving steadily forward, if only in thought progression at first.

Believing is dreaming which sets afire the heart. If at any point we are wondering just where to start, believe your thoughts can direct your life where so as to follow your heart.

I'm feeling the itch to write a book and start a new business/build on what I have.

Off to heal the heart. Work in progress, what can I say?

EVP?

You tell me...

I was on the phone with Steph and we started hearing this garbled sound...I grabbed Meg's iPhone to record it. Ignore the first and last 20 seconds. If anyone can get anything out of here or analyze it, I would much appreciate it. I have the .wav file.


VERIFIED EVP!
Creepy potential EVP?


UPDATE:  3/21/12 So as many already saw, I had a lot of links posted here, I just logged in and they do not show any of my changes after the initial post. I should have saved it elsewhere as well, but here are the links broken down by EVP Mike. Thank you EVP Mike for your efforts.

This was one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me, then to have the links I posted months ago not show when I check for them is bizarre...Here they are, again...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 4 Pitch raised
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 8 Pitch Raised 
Stephanie

Gratitude...How do you show it?

Gratitude is very important. It is the key to many blessings. My life had been less than 'blessed' (in the past). I have learned that gratitude is essential to happiness.

I understand that we may take for granted blessings in life. I resolve to start each day, before my feet hit the floor, with love & gratitude in my heart. I repeat this each night as I fall asleep & do the same at other times, daily. I leave notes for family & friends (as well as others). I have written letters, emails and texts to let people know how much they mean to me. I teach my kids (ages 4 & 7) that gratitude is very important. I teach them to 'pay it forward' and do for others. I have a 'heart chart' on the wall for behavior/chores. Showing respect, gratitude & personal responsibility all make the list. I have paid tolls and bought coffees for the person behind me. I do this to show gratitude for what I have.

I strive to reignite the light inside others. I strive to show gratitude daily & encourage others to do the same. I understand life is a blessing, and although not easy at times, there are lessons learned through struggles and we can show gratitude for lessons learned & wisdom gained. I have exercises to help people identify what they are grateful for, and set new intentions. People sometimes forget that they *do* have things to be grateful for.

Pity Train has left the station...

I don't usually do this, but I have a PSA Rant: I get tired of people using their life circumstances as an excuse to not succeed. I buried both of my parents by 20 years old, fought through probate court until I was 23, still bought a home, started my own business, had kids, got married, etc. All before 25 years old. I don't make excuses to fail in life because of my past circumstances and the hand I was dealt. I don't have family that helps me out or that I can run to. Everyone is disconnected and does their own thing. Things may not always be easy, but I've never run and asked for someone to help (bail me out), nor has it been offered, for college or anything else. Shitty things happening in life is not an excuse for a woe-is-me pity party. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps, put on your big kid panties and get going. Personal responsibility is a cold shower that wakes you up from making excuses and swelling in your own sh*t.

Everyone has their own definition of success and happiness, just as everyone has individual specific challenges. There's no 'one size fits all' happiness t-shirt or solution.

I just encounter some people who habitually make excuses to not live on their own, take care of their issues, succumb to addictions, rely on someone to take care of or bail them out, make excuses and hold a pity party for their own poor decision making, expect people to feel bad for them or seeking others to issue superficial attention, etc.

I agree past issues can get in the way and make it more challenging to define success in our own lives, but it's not an excuse, it's a speed bump challenging us to gain strength. 

 I've had *multiple* different people say to me that they are surprised I am not a heroin addict with all I've been handed (I don't think more than one or two people know everything I've been through- many know bits and pieces). I *chose* to not succumb and escape from reality, rather I asked what I was meant to learn from the experience, how I can grow and what wisdom is now available for the future of my life because of what I went through.

I battled suicidal tendencies and thoughts from the time I was 15 off and on until 28. I had a hard time dealing with the amass of shit flung my way early in life (it's nothing short of traumatizing when you live formative years with someone who has Hemophilia and HIV- blood not clotting and deadly blood dripped in my house- I remember more than I probably should). I used to be a very heavy, angry, sad, depressed, disconnected, emotionally isolated person. I've made attempts on my life numerous times, there's few who knew that and fewer who extended a loving hand to help, offer encouragement or compassion. I learned from it all. I grew from it all, I'm stronger because of it. I checked my butt into therapy and deal with my issues from the past.

I understand that life issues are relative, individual and varying. I'm not saying I've had it the worst (again it is all relative to life experience), but when you live with multiple people with HIV/AIDS and cancer in your own home, bury 4 people you LIVE with in less than 10 years, find out you're 1/2 adopted after one parent dies, find out that a 'college fund' set up from several yearly benefits after my dad passed that was airmarked for my brother and I only had my brothers name on it (found that one out after my mom died), adult like responsibilities at 11 years old, saw a close family member put the barrel of a gun in their mouth by the time I was 13, dealt with abuse in two homes, get cheated on, have family 'forget about you' and not reach out when you need them most, get 'bumped up' a generation w/ additional expectations when my mom passed, dealing with an addiction in my close family (unbenounced to my family - I had to drop someone in a detox facility this year, with the addiction persisting today), in addition to the MS diagnosis. I've been through the wringer w/ all the crap.

I try to wash away that stuff, honoring where I've been and using that to fuel my desire to seek my own definition of success and happiness. It's all about the mindset. I don't want people feeling bad for me. I would rather be admired for what I overcame and where I am vs. where I was and people pitying me for my challenges. I encourage everyone to face the truth within and do the same.

Life sucks sometimes, flat out. There's always a lesson to be learned, and we can always rise up out of being a 'victim' of circumstance. We may then find we are the ones teaching, after learning.

what I am trying to convey was most certainly NOT that "i have it all figured out' (I would never claim such an ignorant thing), I battle new challenges all the time. For those that KNOW ME, I have been through MUCH more than the small pieces I have shared here.

I feel a lot, more than many realize. I by no means judge someone for their individual struggles. I honor where they are, and give them encouragement to grow from that dark place.

I NEVER SAID and never WOULD say "you suck because you live life this type of a way; yet I do this and I do that and I- I- I- blah blah blah......" . What I DID say and what prompted this is that there is someone close to me who has yet to rise above 'unfair circumstances' and the hand that life dealt and uses it as an excuse to remain addicted to Oxy, not helping them-self, despite my attempts and encouragement. This other person was dealt a verrrrrry similar hand. It's always the same, and others enable it: "Look at the hand dealt, poor kid." I do not share the same sentiment. I say 'hey, it sucks, but what can ya do? The past is the past, are you going to live life complaining how much the past sucked and the shitty hand you were dealt, or live in the present and set goals for the future? Honor where you've been, identify blockages and challenges and move forward". I get stuck in life too, I have unexpected things come up: like leaving an abusive relationship, losing nearly 40k in liquid assets in the form of a negative mortgage after putting 20+% CASH DOWN on my home and a tanked IRA, stocks and mutual funds, and then moving into a new home and being diagnosed with MS mere months later. I started going to college AFTER all that. I didn't start college until I was 27!

I never said I don't want to hear excuses. I stated that I do not want their 'excuses' to hinder their personal growth, personal responsibility, and ultimately the longevity and happiness within their own life. I don't have much tolerance for woe-is-me. When someone picks out what it written on their mother's headstone at 20 years old, gets raped at 9 months pregnant, and consistently judged by people who not only don't know ME, but have never met me, that is a perfect display of ignorance. Wallowing in self pity didn't work when I tried it, back in the day. Aristotle says we can't blame those who are ignorant, for they do not know any better. I would rather EMPOWER those in a challenging situation, it IS more beneficial and productive than JUDGMENT, no?!

Life challenges are relative to life experiences. I stated I have NOT had it the 'worst', but I challenge anyone on their own pity train to wise up! It is *such* a waste of precious life. No one wants to boo-hoo their life away and die knowing they wasted time boo-hooing, but not accepting personal responsibility for their role in it all.
 

I *HAD* to rise up and deal with it all. If I didn't I'd be dead with a needle sticking out of my arm. While some may in face lack the mental dexterity to handle major life issues, at some point they need to stand up and just do it. No one handed Oprah a fair childhood, but she rose above and is inspiring to billions. While I do feel badly for those in a challenging spot, I will not succumb to their desire for others' pity, I will encourage them and ask that they give themselves permission to rise above circumstances.

I have to address this statement that was directed towards me: "but everyone is built differently and what may not be an issue for you, can be an issue for someone else."

What I am about to say is not directed at any one person, I just need to vent a minute. I have heard this said before and know that from another perception, this statement is their truth and I do not judge. I am going to be candid. raw. There is more that I am not feeling the need to share. I mean absolutely NO disrespect in what I am saying. I respect and honor the perspectives and life experiences and the individual position that people are in. Written text can be challenging because there is a lack of tone and inflection, so I am being upfront with a respectful and forthright, compassionate tone.

What I have been through in my life hurts. I have had nights curled crying myself to sleep.I also tend to stop breathing when I am really upset, who knew? I have sat with blade to wrist, thoughts of throwing my car going 80 off the highway, mixed things I shouldn't, pissed at where I was and the shit in my hands. I had a completely apathetic lackluster approach at life in general. I was atheist, dark, angry, defiant, suicidal, hurt and sad (remember, Kimberlee Sullivan Simpson?). I have been to a dark, dark place. I needed help, but I never got it looking beyond my own nose. I had to help myself. If I didn't, I couldn't expect more from myself than where I was at that time in my life. Lost. Lonely. Confused. Dead. I built a wall and didn't give a shit. I drove 120+ on the highway in my Daytona (@Leeann Gagnon) There are friends of mine, mind you only one of those friends have even posted here), that have literally talked me from the edge when I couldn't handle my shit.

Nobody is 'equipped' to handle this shit. Nobody gets a manual that tells you how to deal with some of the shit I have been through, you have been through or the guy over there has been through. We ALL have our struggles. We ALL have our personal challenges. We are ALL handed shit we aren't 'equipped' to handle.

We all have hard times. It's what we do with the hard times, do you rise, or continue to swirl? It's kind of like a Spiritual Darwinism. I do not judge anyone else's trials and tribulations. It's what you do with what you are given with a taste of survival of the fittest and a hint of personal responsibility.

Any single one of my FRIENDS knows me. They know that I will be there when they need me, I will be there encouraging and empowering and giving them the tools they need. I have helped walk people from that edge. I have helped friends with addictions, troubles, confusion, loss, etc. I am in a better place to do so now. BUT! Anyone of my FRIENDS or people who LOVE me knows or heck! even anyone that comes for a reading... I will challenge you to be your best. I will challenge you to rise up to our highest potential, regardless of your circumstances. I will challenge you to take personal responsibility with the issue you are coming to me about. Some people don't like that. I have been told it is 'calling you on your bullshit'. I will ask if you are breathing. If so, potential to better yourself is there, despite your perceived flaws, vulnerabilities, insecurities and hurt. I will ask you to heal yourself of the past pains and be the best you can be. I will ask you what you want, and help take steps to get there. Not where I think you 'should' be, but where YOU want to be. Some people need baby-steps (yes, Stephanie McCabe I'll call you out on that one) and some people just do it in leaps and bounds ( Arielle Wolfe ), despite their troubles, issues and 'issues' need to be dealt with. I don't think that many of us would be in the position we are today if we didn't make choices that we made. I have always said that karma is not what happens to you, it's how you respond. So much of our lives, despite where we've been, is up to us. I have been told that one reason that Meg loves me is BECAUSE I challenge, in a good way.

I challenge myself to do all the things I would challenge someone I love. I have since one month after my mom died. I have worked really hard to work through things that sucked, and continue to do so, handed a wide variety and big piles of shit to sort through for the near 10 years following her passing.

I was once told that I gave off the impression that I looked like and presented as a 'rich white girl who never had to work for anything and had things handed to her'. PAAHHAHAHA! That could not be further than the truth! I've struggled, with being told to bring anything that is valuable and means something to me to school in my backpack, because we may not have a home. I helped balance a checkbook and handle bills when I was 13. I did laundry, cooking and cleaning when I was 12, because my mom worked two jobs. I tended to my brother, 5 years my junior, while my mom worked all day in the summer. I put him to bed when she worked nights. There are people who remember this... Bridget O'Brien knows.

There is so much more. TIP OF THE ICEBERG. I don't say any of this for pity, sympathy, a pissing contest or anything of the like. It is my truth. If you didn't know anything I have written today...it's because I never wanted your sympathy, pity, judgment or anything else. 

 I leave this is love and peace. Best your best, whatever that may be. Namaste. <3

2011

2011 was a wild & busy ride. I welcomed in 2011 with a new attitude and unparalleled gratitude in my life.

I became a published collaborative author of Goddess Bedtime Stories complete with book launch party and book signing. I directed the local chapter of V-Day in the 2011 season raising nearly 10k for local domestic violence survivors. I took my intuitive reading business to new heights, did over 350 readings, helping people in 7 states, did a psychic reading fair and was unexpectedly approached and asked to be a part of Haunted Happenings in Salem, MA doing readings at Salem's Psychic Center. I continued working my Athena's business, and will continue to do so in 2012. I rocked school with a 4.0 all year. I got married, stayed healthy (MS relapse free), tied up loose ends, veered away from negativity and re-prioritized my life & values. I listened to my intuition more than ever before.

2011 presented a variety of challenges as well, but I am choosing not to give the challenges any energy at this time. I honor that the challenges helped me grow, gave me a thicker skin and new perspective. I washed away many situations and things that no longer served and welcomed in new blessings and a positive, determined mindset. I am grateful for the lessons learned and wisdom gained along the way. I am grateful for friends & family - new & old.

I am so excited for 2012. This is going to be interesting.

Be well and enjoy the ride.