My life hurts sometimes. I am generally a happy, optimistic,
vision/solution oriented person with goals and dreams and a
cheerleader for others to do the same. I listen to my gut, help
people, and have overcome adversity time and time again. I persevere.
I have occasional issues with others when the inside motives and intentions do
not match the actions. I don't mean people who feel sad, yet smile (I
understand being 'there'). I mean the mean people. People who smile,
but have ill intentions and motives. Ego. Other than that, I can get along
with many.
Meg wrote this, and I LOVE it: "It's so true that once you have realized
that there is a different way to
live, a different way to behave than the way you have. It becomes
easier not
only only to see what behaviors you have been engaged in
that outside of this
desired way of living and make a more conscious
effort to change your current
behavior to mach that. Of course taking
that first step is very difficult,
especially for a person rooted in
Ego. If the individual has been so strongly
rooted in their Ego for so
long, it's like they believe their way of being is
the right way,
regardless of who else their behavior negatively affects,
including
themselves. No one likes to be called out when they have
done
something "wrong" it is even harder for an ego-based person to
be
called out because they don't even see that they have done
something
wrong or that the way have have been behaving is "wrong." That
their
self-serving behavior is only hurting their relationships
with
everyone else including themselves. Getting to the root what
causes
this ego-based way of thinking is the only way to get an
ego-based
person to even consider that there is another way to be let
alone
begin to change their approach/way of living". ~MM
I tend to push away from ego based people. I can't stand it. Self-serving when I push to help others? Self loathing but pointing fingers? Lacking consideration when I spend my time considering all but myself? Blowing me off because of better things to do, regardless of my needs? I have written people off like that in my life because they are the source of drama. It causes low energy. Sad energy.
I go into a hermit like state once in a while. I become reclusive, introspective.
This is usually when I am trying to deal with a lot of stuff, spinning
emotional, spiritual, mental and physical 'plates'.
I have been sad, but pushing through it. Sure I've smiled, but
I've been pretty sad. I'm trying to clear out the sadness. I am very
busy, trying to balance it all, feeling a lack of time to myself, not
doing as well in one of my classes as I had hoped. I have a few
decisions to make. They are weighing heavily on my mind, and I am
continuing to try to balance it all.
Family. What can I say? I don't have much. I have family members that
live out of state and remain fairly disconnected. It really breaks my
heart. My brother and I were treated differently after our mom died.
We lost touch with both sides of the family, other than the occasional
reach out. My Grammie has always kept in touch, regularly. Other than
that, it's sporadic at best. We only have a few people alive in my
family, and they went their own way after my mom died, disconnecting.
I had a situation this week where I reached out to a family member and
legit was dropped in the middle of a conversation and a visit with my
kids after 20 minutes for them to attend to someone with an addiction.
*sigh* This is my life. I have my kids, my wife and my brother that
are 'around'. I talk to my nana sometimes and try to visit. I hear
from my aunt once in a while. Still talk to my grammie. Get a facebook
post from my Grampa once in a while. More recently re-acquainted
myself with the younger cousins on my dad's side. I don't really
remain connected with anyone other than that, not that there's many
more. Everyone's dead.
It sucks when someone you love hurts you. When there's not many family
members around, when the ones who are around hurt you, it hurts deeper
for some reason.
I feel I'm piling more and more on, trying to be mindful of my health.
I was asked the other day if I was ready to leave this sack of skin
behind...I'm not sure my work is done here. My anxiety has been
intense.
I have been having golden doors open, mixed with roadblocks.
If you had the life I have had, and continue to have stupid shit throw
your way, how would you feel?
I'm ready for a break in this 'need to be 5,6,7 places at different
times in a day, tied to school work, business and family needs' thing.
It's ridiculous. No one can help me. It's all on me, and yet some
people feel I'm not doing "enough" in one area or another.
I don't talk to many about my life, why burden? I don't want pity,
sympathy or looked at like a charity case orphan. I tell a few people
a few things. I got a reading last weekend...it came up that no one
knows all there is about me, people know pieces, but the Whole of me
is limited. Few know all I have dealt with. Many know very little and
make judgments about what they see, rather than look at me in the
macroscopic. It's surprising to hear how some people look at me. To
pull of the 'rich white girl, a little snobby in high school, never
had much happen to her, got everything she wanted' impression I was
told by some. PAHAHA! Right. (Those are the ones who just meet me-
many know better).
Even people in my life don't know all I go through, because I don't
want to talk about the sludge. I don't want to reach out and have
anyone listen because I need to vent. I hold it in, not sure which
angle to release. I believe I am here for a reason, but why do I keep
hurting?
I've been working on clearing out my old heart junk (emotions) for a
few years now. I know it attributed to my MS. It's hard to clear it
out when it keeps piling on.
I dumped one of my close family members in an addiction facility this
year, after years of trying. I did that alone, just me and this family
member. Watched them walk behind locked doors. One of the hardest
things I have ever done. Half of my family has an addiction issue.
That's something many don't know. I kept it quiet.
I am sick of people judging me, and making snide comments. I ask people to rise up to their
potential, regardless of circumstances. I do the same in my own
life. After living where HIV/AIDS and hemophilia, cancer, abuse,
death x 4 (in my home), divorce, cheating, lying, illness, adoption,
addiction and more were all present, I think it's safe to say I've
been through a lot. Many don't know that. Why? Because I don't openly
share everything. Little pieces.
Why do people with the 'silver spoon' lifestyle (and by that, I mean
parents alive- or some semblance of a 'normal' life) judge me or try to hurt
me?
I have good things happening. I have lots of things happening. I have
been stupid busy and not reaching out to talk to anyone. I preach to
let it out, and not hold it in...here I am. Letting it out. I'm sick
of this shit.
I know how good life can be, and I know I have to deal w/ the
challenges as well, but...it's a lot. A real lot, for one person, in
one life.
I'm putting in a new order. I've had a taste of crap once or twice and I know I don't like it. I've learned, I've grown and I will continue to. I want the happy, healthy, full life. I want my dream come true life. I'll have my big girl house, give me some big business, and a happily ever after with lots of love. Order up!
