Time in a day

There doesn't seem to be enough time in a day. I know, I know...I tell people all the time to drop the plates they do not need to be spinning, but here I am...spinning many plates.

I am not sure what I can 'drop'. I have two kids over 75% of the time. I run two businesses. I take two classes. I have a partner that needs me.

My gripe is that I do not get much time to do things for me. I do not have time to go out to play, and when I do, some of my funds have been tied up taking care of obligations.

I am seeking a happy medium. I know that my MS is a result of prolonged stress in my life. I know that I am needing to release. I get it. I'm working on it.

I went through a pretty intensive energy 'cleansing' session last night. I am happy and feel more clear today, although, the numbness is present (ugh). I feel I have more cleansing to go through, to wash away what does not serve.

How do I find more hours in my day? How do I get people to understand that I do want to be social, but am left with scraps for myself at the end of the day? How do I explain that I just do not have time to do it all? Why do people get frustrated that I am not doing all I 'can' be doing?

I need to get better at that NO word. I need to stop giving a shit what people think. It's not that I care to an extreme about what people think. I just don't like to have people think I am not interested.

When I was younger, I didn't have these issues. I was healthy and unhappy. I didn't care what anyone thought, and did things for me...all the time.

I didn't care about helping others. I didn't care about hurting others.

Now I am at the opposite end of the continuum. I need to find my balance. I need to find my happiness. I need to do it for me and my health.

I am sick of being numb. I am sick of MS. I am tired of it. So, I need to find a way to release it.

I went through an extraction of sorts last night. I did 'my thing' (and Meg assisted after a while), after, I looked it up online...seems it was in line with a shamanic extraction of displaced energies. Interesting, it stated that this is the procedure many MS patients go through with the alternative therapies...hm, seems my soul knows what my body needs. funny how that works...

I need to find the footing between being selfish and self-less. I know I am not a selfish person. I was. I am looking to find the footing between taking care of myself and taking care of others.

I know I need to work and bring in my share of the income. I want to be in school (although, it is challenging at times - like having to skip a quiz because I am EXHAUSTED). I HAVE to take care of my kids.

I just want to be able to take off and have a day off. Why do I get one day off a month? It doesn't make me happy.

I take care of the kids all week, and run them to/from school, soccer, dance, appointments, and their dad's. When they are with their dad, I work. When I am not working, I have my kids. When I am not balancing and juggling that, I do school work.

Everyone tells me to slow down. I am not sure how to do that.

I find myself thinking back to what I told my mom...slow down. Stop taking care of everyone else and take care of YOU.

I need a dose of my own medicine. I am just legitimately not sure how to do this.

Help.

Fuck MS and Fuck YOU Dr. G.

* I may use course language, get over it. Walk in my shoes, then judge. ;-) *

Yesterday, I contacted the complaint department at Lahey. I filed a complaint on my old PCP. The one that called me to diagnose me with Multiple Sclerosis. I know it has been some time since this all happened. I called because I have the right to, to let them know what his lack of care, delayed diagnosis and delayed treatment did to me. I don't want anyone else to deal with this. As of right now, there is no 'cure' for MS.

I am doing what I can with self-healing, weekly injections and slowing down my life (still 'busy', but I can't work like I did before, because I have to nap daily...today, I took 2 naps because of the extreme exhaustion). I fucking hate needles. I am supposed to get my injection tonight. Sure, I'll take an almost 1" needle straight in the thigh each week. What a blast. We even get to alternate legs each week, outlined by bruising. Sometimes, the injections go perfectly. Only one of my legs freaks out and tightens uncontrollably on occasion, or the injection burns going in, where I need to be held down while I cry in pain. Sometimes I get sick after the injection, with a headache that far surpasses any migraine I have ever had. Sometimes I have chills, but sweat.

MS Sucks and my daily symptoms arise because a fucktard doctor failed to diagnose me as a result of failing to order and have followthrough of properly executed medical tests in a timely manner. Stress induces my symptoms and mimics an exacerbation. I need to figure out whether what I am dealing with is new, or a reoccurred expression of old symptoms. I only have issues from #1, not exacerbation #2 (treated timely).

I am not a hypochondriac and do not run to the doctor often. I go when I am really not feeling well. (they wouldn't refill my inhaler without seeing me in the office because it had been two years since my last physical).

Every appointment I went to, which was not too often, my PCP asked me if I had considered genetic testing for breast cancer, or early screening, because I have a strong family history of breast cancer. HE began sending me for Mammograms and MRI's on my breasts at 25 years old. I always reminded him of this, as he flipped through notes, and asking if the tests were normal...

When I started having MS symptoms in November '08, I made an appointment with my doctor. He told me that I was likely stressed with the holiday season, and to go home, relax, drink a cup of tea, and take a hot shower, as hot as I could make the water. I did. It made me dizzy, nauseas, confused, visual issues and numb.

The numbness, cognitive, visual, fatigue continued. I made another appointment. I had blood work done, and a urine analysis, they both came back 'normal'. More hot showers.

Finally, irritated, I called and asked for a referral to a neurologist and an MRI. He sent me for a double study brain and cervical spine MRI.

I was at work at 9AM on 1/9/09 when I got the call. He told me that the MRI I had the evening before came back indicating I had 16 lesions in my brain and cervical spine and that I had MS. He also said I was young and asked if I had children. Yes, I have two, I brought them in for appointments with me. You were my doctor from 2002-2009, before I was pregnant with my first until after my second child. He then asked if I needed anxiety medication to deal with this diagnosis.

After I was diagnosed and got my fantastic neurologist (Dr. Camac is AMAZING), I got sick. Typical chest cold/sinus infection type thing. I went to the doctor, my PCP. He asked about the medications I was on, Amantadine, Avonex, and looked it up in his book...he then asked if I had Multiple Sclerosis...

I no longer see this PCP. I have a new one, she seems really good, but again, I have only been twice in two years, when I am sick. I called her the other day to get an updated order to the Breast Care Center, which I made an appointment with for a consult and mammogram. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at 29, so it's weird, I'm 29 right now. My mom passed away when I was 20. I'm focused on healing and health.

I called and filed a complaint against my old primary care doctor because I still have symptoms associated with my first exacerbation of MS that could have been minimized or subsided. Had I received timely diagnostic testing, it would have prevented a delayed diagnosis and delayed administration of  5gram corticosteroid treatments through IV in the hand (1gram a day over the course of 5 days), and prolonged initial Avonex injections.

I have to take a weekly intramuscular injection as a result of my diagnosis. I have random numbness, visual disturbances, cognitive challenges, dizziness, etc. All of that is associated with my first exacerbation. I had one exacerbation after my initial issue in 2008-2009. I reported it to my neuro, verified it through an MRI and received prompt treatment, which alleviated the symptoms I had from exacerbation #2. Thankfully, my neurologist listens.

Issues from #1 persist, thanks to my doctor. Had he listened to me, maybe it could have gotten me a validating MRI, corticosteroids and Avonex months earlier. Had he not told me to run my neck under hot water, maybe I would not have had my symptoms progress as they had, which persist at any point in time. Had he understood that I would NOT have been there unless it was something I felt to be serious, maybe we could have sped everything up and prevented the longevity of the initial symptoms that I deal with, randomly with stress and heat.

I told his office when it happened, but I never did anything formal, through Lahey. Now I have. I have to live with it, and after not listening to me for months, you just called and told me I have MS, then said "you don't have any children yet, do you?" and asked if I need anxiety pills? Dr, G.? Really? ...Actually, on second thought, yeah, I'll take 2.

Everything happens for a reason

We are brought to people and situations for a reason. Sometimes it is to learn, sometimes it is to teach, sometimes it is a hybrid of the two. Remain focused, regardless of circumstances. Listen to your gut, for your soul will not do you wrong.

Nobody ever says that they wish they did NOT listen to their gut.

We can help people that cross our path, and they can help us. For this to happen, we must be mindful of the change that needs to take place. Ignoring or choosing to not face the issue head on, will leave you feeling a longing, a missing piece within your own soul, and a continuing, relentless feeling unfulfilled, eternally. No physical world experience or doing can compete with the fullness that is felt when you honor your soul.

To people who are not familiar with this, you may feel the longing I refer to, but shrug it off. Some may smile with a quiet knowing.

There is a peace to be found inside, regardless of how noisy the world gets.

Honor your soul and succeed.

Namaste.

Here we go...?

So, I have had too many experiences, where I felt something or had a vision and it came true for me not to do something with it. I have written documentation of doing this since 2002. I know, it's a little 'weird'. For those who know me, and have for a long time, that probably doesn't surprise you, and I've likely told you about the pillow fire, the crystal in the window, the house in Gloucester, how certain things were going to pan out, the recent findings of brown dwarfs in our solar system, gold, etc. etc. etc.

For those that don't really know me, this is not stuff I share freely. I understand how many people do not understand any of that type of stuff, it tends to scare them, and in turn, they judge. I get that. I choose not to share with those people, or justify myself to them.

I started formally writing out my prophecies. I am fascinated with Edgar Cayce and have had a special affinity for him and connection to him since I first heard the name, when I was far too young to grasp the concept of what he did. I didn't know who he was, but I know he would be important to me. Go figure.

So I began writing. I have written down some of the things I feel will happen in the next two years, and fairly specifically to prevent ambiguity. This is in a separate blog, posted with a time stamp, but private. Few people will see this list, mainly because I don't care to deal with justifying myself to people who don't get it.

We will see and time will tell whether any/all of the things I have prophecized  come true. All I know is too much has happened already. I want the time stamped proof of truth. I will let you know when things start to roll out. These events include political, astronomical, social, environmental, scientific etc. etc. etc. events, findings and issues.

I may not know it all, and I am still growing and developing, but when I understand that the previous notion I possessed does not apply, maybe I'll see an even bigger picture.

Although, I am not pleased about my feelings and visions of some of the events, I feel they are necessary and will offer a new perspective for many. Time will tell...that elusive concept of 'time'.