Life has been up. Life has been down. As I walk and stride through life, I still reach challenges. It is part of it all, I understand that. I question 'why?' and get upset sometimes about what I've been through, and don't feel I got a fair shake sometimes. What cards were dealt to me in a relatively short period of time and forever changed me, how I kept many things to myself not to my betterment; through it all, I am not a woe me person. I am still working through old pains, challenged to forgive and release at times. When you see past the pain, and stride forward, making your life what you want it to be, starting from the inside out, life can really be a blessing.
My heart has been through the wheel of extreme emotions. I have been forced to become strong. I say I had no choice but to be strong, but I guess I could have taken it all in a different direction. I walk with strength and sing songs of making strides, personal betterment, gratitude and love. I sing my songs and walk my path. I don't know how to walk any other way. I have had to rise from the ashes again and again. I have reached adversity again and again in my life. I face adversity and rise up. I challenge you to do the same, bearing in mind, free will.
I speak to the fact that I had struggles in my life, Haven't we all? I will never say that I have been through ‘more’ than anyone else. I will never discredit the severity and darkness that shrouded anyone’s life. We each walk our own path. We each have challenges; we each have struggles and more. I know that. My story is one that not many know. I plan on writing about my life and the wisdom I have gained from it, but here’s what life has handed me in a nutshell, other than this, my life has been pretty ‘normal’. I strive to make better of myself and hope to spark that same light inside others. Beauty is an inside job.
I was born to a woman who was told she would never have children. At one point, it was said that she had a 12-25% survival chance. She was told that the Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and treatment thereof of damaged her so badly, she would never conceive. If she did, the child would die, she would die or the child would be born with severe issues. I was born March 5, 1982 in Methuen, MA. I was a healthy 9lb 5oz. I grew up with my mom and her family, my nana, my aunt and uncle when I was young.
My mom married my dad in 1985, I was 3. My mom and I moved to Salem, NH with my dad’s family to live in their home shortly thereafter. My brother was born in 1987, when I was five. I lived with my mom, my dad, my brother, Grammie, Grampie and Uncle Chuck. My dad and my uncle both had Hemophilia. My dad had HIV and my uncle had AIDS. The story is long and complex, but basically, Grampie died in 1989, I was 7. My mom survived breast cancer in 1990, spending Thanksgiving in the hospital. My uncle died in 1991 and my dad died on Easter 1993, I was 11. Just like that, half of my home was dead and my mom had beat cancer twice.
My Grammie remarried and moved out of the home, subsequently selling it to my mom...I then found out my dad was not my biological father. I found adoption papers when I was helping my mom clean. I was step-parent adopted and ‘no one knows’ my biological father, it is blank on the original birth certificate. My mom moved into the house a man that was not very nice with his 3 kids, which some of my peers told me were ‘the bad kids’ in Salem. My mom got Thyroid Cancer when I was 14. She beat that too.
The road was rocky and home was not always a ‘happy place’ for me through my teen years. It a very dark place for me. I contemplated suicide on a daily basis. I was picked on in school, people were asshole's...I would get home and think about, and several times attempted suicide. I hated life and everything in it. I was angry, fat, depressed, sad, hurt, broken and lost.
My mom died of a heart attack when I was 20. I was left to scramble to pick up the pieces and a long battle ensued with probate court. I had to deal with the flood of emotions of all my losses, the challenging relationship, the unanswered questions and hold it together as legal proceedings began and I met with attorneys and dealt with a Guardian ad Litem on my brother’s behalf to help settle the estate, a three year battle. A battle I was forced to deal with.
Regardless of all I had ‘going on’, I was in a relatively good place. My spirituality truly blossomed. I started my path in my teen years, but now I approached it with renewed clarity. All the pieces started coming together. I began to understand and unfold. I began to experience and write. I was loving life and learning like never before.
Amidst all this, I married in 2004 and had my daughter on New Year’s Eve and then three years later, my son. We were able to purchase a home together. Life was good...and then it was not so good. There were good times, but the darkness set in once again. My spirituality suffered. My spirituality was put down on a regular basis. I dealt with many psychological, emotional, some physical and more situations that do not belong in a home. My divorce was finalized in September 2008.
I moved in to a new, safe, happy home and felt once again, like life has been peace filled and I can breathe...Then I started having weird physical symptoms. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in January 2009. My spirituality and view on life waxed and waned and was challenged yet again off and on, until August 2010…I have once again picked myself up and am moving myself forward.
I am in a position to help others. I recently helped raise nearly $10,000, with V-Day, towards helping local domestic violence shelters provide needed support. I want to help more people on a larger scale. I want to continue striving to help and heal myself.
I have had yet another ‘reawakening’, following a challenging emotional clearing. I see it all even more clearly now. I am here for a reason. I have been handed all this to help others. I am more ‘awake’ than I even realize and give myself credit for. I know I have a road ahead and many lessons yet to be learned and in turn shared, but here I am…awake, vibrant, and ready to go, ready for more. Student as well as Teacher. Healed (and healing) as well as Healer. I am here to help.
